Let's Play Classic Video Games!

My fascination and absolute adoration of video games comes as no surprise to my readers and I have been into watching the cult fad known as Let's Plays on YouTube for several months now. This recent, campy phenomenon has become quite popular on the Tube; there's just something wonderfully enjoyable about watching fellow game-lovers play some of the greatest known [and unknown] games of all time. There's also something immensely fun about watching gamers torture themselves through games of innocuous difficulty or glorified stupidity. So, without further ado, check out my own newly begun Let's Play Channel:

http://www.youtube.com/Jockolantern

The link itself is easy enough to memorize, thankfully, so be sure to let all your video game/Let's Play loving friends in on the action! Should you have any suggestions for games to LP, drop me a line and let me know. I'd love to give it a go, provided it hasn't already been done by a more famous LPer or so long as it hasn't been done to death by various players. Also, if you're into Let's Plays as much as I am (or are in the process of becoming an addict), also be sure to check out the wonderful and often hilarious commentaries of dannychic, AzureBlade49, UltraJMan and the reigning king of LPs, DeceasedCrab.

Enjoy!

Attention All XBox360 and PS3 Elitists

Upon the recent, ludicrously good reviews of Grand Theft Auto IV (yet another example of the same old brown/pale green/gray-washed game design of the modern console age... wash, rinse, repeat), it would seem that video game elitists across the nation have decided to take even the slightest GTAIV naysayers to task all across message boards (the fanboys at GameTrailers are particularly obnoxious). From the volume of their fanboy screeches, they want you to believe that somehow Wii players are in the minority and should feel left out; that somehow those of us Nintendo fans should have just bought a 360 or PS3 all along. To counteract this moronicy, I would like to submit two links pointing out just how much the ignorance of these people continues to inflate and how their judgement of the video gaming community at large is one-hundred and eighty degrees out of phase:

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Both of these polls took place upon each game's initial release. 44,500 do not plan on ever purchasing GTAIV as opposed to just half that, 23,700, who do not plan on purchasing SSBB. 52,000 gamers purchased SSBB within the first week of its release, in opposition to just 23,700 for GTAIV (another 29,800 said they would purchase it "soon," whatever that means). A sly 14,800 voters said they had not decided on whether or not to purchase SSBB. Let's assume 25-33% of those voters decide to go ahead and buy Brawl and that 80% of the voters who said they'd buy GTAIV soon actually do. That means just 47,000 voters (49,000, tops) ended up buying GTAIV; 57,000 (give or take a thousand) purchased SSBB.

Keep in mind the sampling size for both votes though. The GTAIV poll is nearly 10,000 votes higher than that for SSBB. With the general curve of the SSBB poll, we could certainly only expect the number of confirmed Brawl consumers to increase by an additional 6,000, possibly as high as 7,000! 48,000 GTAIV copies sold vs. 63,000 copies of Brawl sold. Multiply that over the span of a general consumer audience of millions and you have yourself a massive discrepancy, with SSBB being the obvious dominator.

Here's an interesting side-note: By March 17th, nine days after the release of Brawl, the game had sold 1.4 million copies. That equates to 120 copies every... minute. Read that and weep, 360 elitists.

In any event, there is my case in point. I think it is quite clear which game people prefer, don't you? And I don't wanna' hear any "Butbutbutbut, Grand Theft Auto is rated 'M' and Super Smash Brothers Brawl is only rated 'T'!" A game that people truly want to buy sells (just look at the 'M'-rated Halo franchise and its massive across-the-board sales), regardless of rating. Would you elitists out there also kindly point out why WiiFit (as a pre-order, none-the-less!) is beating all versions of GTAIV in sales on Amazon.com?

Last, but not least, consumers obviously prefer not only Super Smash Bros. Brawl (2.7+ million units sold to date) to Grand Theft Auto IV but the Wii in general, as current sales records prove: 25 million Wii units sold to date as opposed to 19 million 360s and only 13 million PS3s. Poor, poor 360/PS3 users. I know it must be tough losing to the "kiddy" system, but please... could you retain at least a smidgen of dignity instead of making yourselves feel better about your own imbecility?

I didn't think so.

The Weary Intellectual

The current political season has been at once exhilerating and exasperating. Seeing the only two presidential candidates I cared to receive the nomination slip through the cracks was quite disheartening... yet, it is what it is. On the other hand, watching the two remaining Democrat nominees draw more and more blood from one another with each passing day has been nothing short of four-star entertainment; pop the popcorn, warm up the butter, sit back and enjoy.

My own intellect has certainly grown weary of the constant stream of liberal theology injected into our great nation by radical leftists, doing their best to destroy liberty and personal freedom. Being a political junkie and ideological soldier is something that, for whatever reason, I cannot help but... be. As such, there are certainly days where I weary of fighting the fight, regardless of how necessary it may be. Somedays, it really just doesn't seem worth all the vicious, hateful attacks levied our way, the number of people who feel that conservatives such as myself are nothing more than dirt to be trampled underfoot; that we are anti-progressive, oldfashioned bigots, racists, sexists, and homophobes whose outdated principles and respect for morality should be relegated to the pages of history.

Regardless of how continually wrong liberals and their own history show them to be, no one seems to be catching wise of the radically inhuman policies and ideals that make up the vast constituency of radical, socialist leftism. The very Democratic party which claims to help its fellow man only ends up hurting the same people over and over and over again. It's a battle we conservatives have been waging for a long time and I believe as firmly as I ever have, that ignorance is still the most expensive commodity we pay for as a country. The media does has always been there to do its part in spreading such ignoramous notions to television, computer, and Blackberry screens across the world (some of the modern culprits being global warming, ethanol subsidies, senseless hatred for big corporations, and a constant drumbeat of anti-American failurism). The battle for common sense, sanity, and principle just... gets... exhausting. Particularly during the chaos of this, the election season.

Leave it to World magazine's own Andrée Seu to bring out my own thoughts and concerns regarding my intellectual suffering and its overall impact on my faith. Seu has translated my brainwaves and analyzed them in words better than I could ever dream of doing myself:

"When seen from this perspective, Christian news junkies... are not the modern Sisyphus rolling rocks endlessly up a mountain to no purpose. They do it as a service... and Christ gives it meaning." I guess I needn't have been so worried after all; faith and political intellectualism can, in fact, work hand-in-hand. Conservatism is an ideology of morality and leadership; it is a movement the founding fathers gave birth to when they brought about the genesis of this great country. And, as we all should know, the fathers themselves understood that the principles of this nation had to be founded in faith on God's word, His promises and His love for humankind. I'm sick and tired of far-left liberals spewing endless hate about this country, never breathing a word about the countless great things this nation does for the benefit of all mankind on a daily basis.

Just as good ultimately triumphs over evil, so will the intellectual, principled superiority of conservatism triumph over the rampantly foolish emotionality of liberalism. Mark my words, leftists. Your ideological days... are numbered.

Video Game Review: 'Super Mario World'

By 1990, Nintendo was flying high on the P-wings of seven unbelievably succesful years worldwide with the Nintendo Entertainment System. It was a phenomenon of the rising video gaming console market, one which debatebly secured a positive future for a sometimes fragile early existence of home console gaming. The big question at the time was, how on earth could Nintendo possibly match or even exceed expectations with a new 16-bit console? Even on their terms, the NES was a force to be reckoned with; any attempt at generating a brand new console was bound to be met with grand curiosity and suspicion. The NES's popularity continued on in the era of the SNES, with games being produced until late 1994, so the company knew they had a momentous task upon their hands in the creation of a new system. Needless to say, Nintendo not only met expectations but exceeded even the most inflated hype with the truly Super Nintendo.

Super Mario World launched with two other games upon the console's market debut, August 13, 1991, and has certainly gone on to be the most memorable and well-loved of the trio (Pilotwings has developed a tiny cult following and F-Zero, while well-loved, is no Mario). It currently stands as the SNES's all-time bestselling game, 20 million copies strong. Enough history, however; let's get technical: Graphically, the game pushed no ground for the system, yet did precisely what it needed to do: look appealingly... Mario. Maturing from the stylism of the NES games, Super Mario World expands in palette to accomodate more vibrant colors (rich greens, foggy greys, soft blues/purples, and liquid reds) along with the well-established minimalistic background art direction the series was already known for in the NES era. Multiple background layers allow for some nice parallax scrolling techniques and sprite scaling for a few special effects. The ninety-six levels truly encapsulate what makes the Mario platforming style so successful and enjoyable: each one is bite-size (snuffing out replay exasperation), many of them have multiple endings to seek out (for those who love seeking out secret areas), and the difficulty of each moves so fluidly, its appeal ranges from beginners to platforming veterans. Each world of levels has a distinct look (forests, caves, hills, mountains, castles, haunted houses and a sunken ship are amongst the unique visual portions of the world) and each present their own challenges; whether it's learning how to take on new enemies, using your reflexes to run a gauntlet of traps, or testing your jumping skills on various block puzzles, the game always keeps you on your toes. The resulting overall balance is spot-on and helps make replaying the game a joy.

The standard growth mushroom and fire flower are staple Mario items which return here, along with a couple all-new inclusions: the feather (which transforms you into a caped plumber ready to take to the skies) and the lovable dinosaur Yoshi (whose cuteness is secondary only to his usefulness as a sidekick, an insatiable appetite for berries, Goombas, and Koopa Troopas coming in quite handy throughout) being the particular new inclusions to the series. It's not much, but it never feels like too little either; both are able to be used with great variety and continuity. The game lets you save your progress frequently and the availability of one-ups (via green mushrooms, collecting a hundred coins, or killing enough enemies sequentially) ensures that the game rarely feels cheap in its more difficult sections. Also, for the completist, there are eight hidden special levels, guaranteed to push even the most hardened Mario veterans to the limits of their own skills and anger management.

Veteran Nintendo composer Koji Kondo provided his sixteenth video game score for Super Mario World; the music continues Kondo-san's penchant for writing catchy melodies that are not only enjoyable to listen to throughout the course of the entire game, but become indellibly etched into the player's mind for good. Kondo actually relies on a technique that he rarely implemented throughout his career, particuarly on Mario games: motivic repitition. Almost every single tune in the game is a straight-up variation on the title theme; and while it has never been unusual for Kondo to revisit prior themes, never have I heard his music rely so heavily on straight up one-theme derivation. This is not harsh critique though, as each variation is memorable in and of itself, lending themselves quite suitably to the game's subdued, spirited quirkiness. The soundtrack is certainly not the high point of Kondo's compositions for the Mario series, but the man did set an amazingly high bar for himself upon achieving the musical greatness of Super Mario Bros. 3 just two years prior and has gone on to some equally amazing work recently with the likes of Super Mario Galaxy. One cannot assert that the man has ever really lost his touch... unless we're talking about Ocarina of Time or Majora's Mask. However, that is criticism best saved for a later date.

Super Mario World is a true gamer's game and marked yet another wild success in the franchise for Nintendo. Hard to believe Nintendo has been able to crank out one great Mario title after another, with virtually no drop in quality. And while I personally prefer Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island (a game which showcases Shigeru Miyamoto and Takashi Tezuka's game design talents at their peak), the greatness of the Mario series since simply would not exist without the tried-and-true quality of this, the original Super Mario World. I can vividly recall standing in line at the Wal-Mart demo SNES machines all those years ago, waiting to get a chance to play this incredible new 16-bit experience for just a few minutes, only to stand aside afterwards, watching more Mushroom Kingdom madness unfold as the next kid took his turn at the controller. It takes me back to a time when the gaming world wasn't judged by how high polygon counts could climb, but on the gorgeous simplicity of pixel-by-pixel... art.

A

Film Review: 'Spider-Man 3'

How does a good --perhaps even a great-- movie trilogy... go bad? The four great trilogies improved from first film to last: The Lord of the Rings, both Star Wars trilogies, Indiana Jones. All fantastic examples of how great movie trilogies can and should be developed. Sadly, such examples are certainly not the rule... they are, more and more, becoming the lone exceptions. Perhaps directors become bored with the material; perhaps they just get lazier, more secure in the knowledge that the film will gross massive box office revenues no matter the quality of the finished product. In the end, everyone loses. After all, the Wachowski brothers could certainly tell us a thing or two about a failed film trilogy, considering the abysmal letdowns the latter two Matrix films turned out to be. Gore Verbinski should be smacked for letting his Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy get so completely carried away. Even Robert Zemeckis let himself get a bit too creative and far-fetched with his latter two Back to the Future films (although, to be fair, the third film is pretty fun, if still a far cry from the first). Yet, if you had told me that Spider-Man 3 would turn out to be possibly the single greatest emberassment in movie trilogy history... I would have laughed in your face all the way to the theater.

Upon seeing the film, I'd be begging for my flippancy to be forgiven.

Spider-Man 3 is an absolute emberassment not only to the film trilogy but to life-long Spider-Man fans worldwide. Where the first two films succeeded as well-scripted, innovative adaptations regarding the escapades of the webbed crusader, the third entry is a melodramatic joke, incapable of making up its own mind and even less capable of making logical sense. For starters, the inclusion of Sandman as an accomplice to Uncle Ben's murder completely destroys the premise for Peter's vengeance from the first film; to call that kind of a plot contrivance sloppy is being generous. Not to mention the very inclusion of Sandman as a villain is insultingly bland. Also, instead of bringing the awesome evil of Venom (Topher Grace, a casting train-wreck) and his own saga to glorious life, Sam Raimi instead opts to briefly introduce him, treat his character like a clown (and not the gruesomely evil kind of clown, ala Kefka), and very quickly end his life. I know you don't have much love for the character, Sam, but I hate to tell you that most of us other Spider-Man fans do! I never thought I would live to see the greatest comic book villain of all time treated this way; it is a massive travesty. His own incredible saga could have easily been made into several amazing films all their own.

The film's narrative is also complete mess... proving why Sam Raimi should stick to directing and never script a film: Peter Parker living large, Peter Parker encountering strain in life, Peter Parker becoming distant and depressed, Peter Parker's relationship with Mary Jane shattering, Peter Parker realizing his mistakes, Peter Parker, as Spider-Man, killing off movie villains, Peter Parker reuniting with Mary Jane, Peter Parker living happily ever after. It's generic but not exactly impossible to pull off if given enough nuance and appropriate time to evolve. Unfortunately, the movie essentially tries to do way... too... much and doesn't bother to leave itself the necessary time to fully complete any of it in an even halfway satisfactory manner. Conflicts are resolved in unrealistically frantic fashion (Peter and Harry's dramatic finale make-up scene is nothing short of ludicrous), the action setpieces are devolved into hum-drum special effects showcases, and any drama between the characters is completely obliterated by Sam Raimi-and-Son's laugh-out-loud ham-fisted dialogue (the term "George Lucas-esque" comes to mind).

Also, bringing Gwen "I'm Already Dead in the Original Spider-Man Story" Stacy into the picture as a rival love interest for Parker fails on dozens of levels (heck, it's basically an afterthought in the context of the overly complex plot) and watching Peter Parker become "goth" after the alien symbiote attaches itself to his suit (and, by extension, his personality) made me want to bury my head in shame. It's a far cry from the original story, in which Parker actually became evil upon the symbiotes attachment to him... not some whiny, emo drama queen.

I will now encapsulate a few more grievances I have with this film quickly, albeit this is by no means all of them; the movie is just that awful: Christopher Young's score (with countless patched-in edits of Elfman's original music for the first two films making one wonder why Raimi didn't patch things up with Danny to begin with) is sadly weak, the pacing horrendous, each performance places the actors on the precipice of slumber, plain photography (an aspect of Sam Raimi's films you are either irritated by or admire) keeps the movie feeling boxed in, and, while high-caliber, the special effects can't rescue a single scene; they become completely forgettable in tandem with the idiocy playing out before your very eyes. Considering how entertaining and relatively strong the screenplays of the first two films were, this third installment is not only a head-spinning failure, but concrete proof that Sam Raimi should never, ever, ever be allowed to write a screenplay. It is not only the single greatest disappontment of 2007, but a worthy nominee for just about every available Raspberry Award. Shame on you, Sam Raimi... I will never forgive you for this travesty.

If you value your childhood memories and respect for the original Spider-Man plot, so full of depth, sweep, and heroic grandeur... avoid this debauchery like the plague.

F-

Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

The rise in popularity of the XBox and XBox360 hasn't really phased me... until now. Recently, I began realizing what it is that has made me feel so uneasy about them both: a lack of dimensionality and an over-emphasis on the hyper-serious in general; the modern FPS to be more specific. And while Sony's Playstation and PS2 never really ventured into the same territory all that often, their most recent efforts on the PS3 have taken a turn in that direction; and when they've attempted to stay truer to their roots, the experience itself often ends up as abysmally uncreative or buggily unplayable (thank God they still have Insomniac developing for them). None of the above describes in any way the reason I fell in love with video games as early as my first days playing my father's Atari, or later falling into head-over-heels devotion to the NES and SNES; both of which remain, in my opinion, the foundation of great gaming.

Nintendo's latest console, the Wii, has reinstated in my mind that reason I fell in love with video games in the first place: an obsession with the bizarre and fantastical, less emphasis placed on seriousness then on the surreal. Now, to overuse the apologetic phrase, don't get me wrong; I, too, love a good first-person shooter or serious game title every once in a while. However, modern gamers have become nearly pompous in their "objectivity" about what makes a game good. It seems that if a game doesn't bother to carry realistic (fictional or pseudo) environments, massive polygon counts, and/or "M"-rated gameplay... it is attacked as "cartoony," "old fashioned," "unimportant," or just plain "childish." There is a very good reason, all you XBox and FPS devotees (albeit those two factions are really one and the same), why Super Mario Galaxy won countless Game of the Year 2007 Awards: Because it was the embodiment of what makes gaming awesome and unique. Not massive frag counts, not polygons pushed to the brink, not online multiplayer action galore... but creative, engaging world-design, creative, hummable music, and gameplay that chooses to push the envelope in many directions, not just follow a mostly cut-and-paste formula. For better (Wii) or worse (Virtual Boy), this is what Nintendo has almost consistently been about. Even their more serious homegrown titles (such as the Metroid Prime series) infuse nostalgia, eye-popping art direction, and engrossing adventure together in a unique fashion rather then indulging in endless, mindless shooting rampages. This is not to say that I haven't enjoyed my fair share of those titles: Halo, Quake, F.E.A.R., Call of Duty 1-4... Ken's Labyrinth (one hundred points to anyone who grasps that joke). But those titles are certainly not the reason I fell in love with video games; merely fun distractions. Games like Zack and Wiki (a fun-n-frolick puzzler which makes great use of the Wiimote), Super Smash Bros. Brawl (infusing nostalgia with kicking the snot out of each other-- what's not to love?), No More Heroes (a game which mocks modern-day gaming seriousness), Super Paper Mario (a funky fresh new take on the fusion of platform and RPG), along with the aforementioned Galaxy will be considered true classics one day... not the more dire and self-conscious games, most of which eventually become stifling in their seriousness.

Perhaps I'm just too nostalgic for the good old days of video gaming, that long-gone portion of time I spent as a naive, innocent little crumb cruncher. To coincide with that probability, the inclusion of the Virtual Console on the Wii makes these longings bloom into glorious new life. The ability to download many old favorites on the NES, SNES, N64, TG-16, Genesis and play them in glorious high definition is an experience I never could have dreamed of, even as early as the turn of the century. Plugging those old NES cables into a 42" LCD and turning on Super Mario Bros. 3 makes one yearn for an old-school tube TV; it simply looks horrific. But in high-definition, through the Wii's own component cables, in 420p... the same game practically transforms into a rapturous new experience. Sure, the XBox offers its own gallery of classic games, but the Wii has already managed to accumulate more than twice as many titles in all (with a couple new games uploaded each week), most of them are titles that could only get licensed for release on Nintendo's current gen machine. My friends, Kirby's Adventure, even in all of its 8-bit glory, has never looked so good-- so mouthwateringly scrumptuous.

I'll end my rant there; anything more might cause this particular blog entry to explode and damage already fragile minds. The rest of the rant will come in the form of video game reviews I plan on beginning to post here. I'm gonna' start with mostly Virtual Console titles, just because they're the games that have managed to become completely fascinating to me, in all sorts of new and exciting ways. However, I will certainly be posting other game reviews as well, to mix it up, keep things fresh.

At the bottom of this post, I have rated many video game consoles, from the early days of gaming to the very latest generation of consoles. And if you dare to disagree, then tough toenails... I'm right anyway! Finally, you have undoubtedly noticed that I am also adding film reviews to this site. There will, indeed, be a fresh start-up of film score reviews here too, so hopefully that gets a select number of you individuals' appetites whet. I'll be doing a lot of importing from my Facebook movie reviews, but also doing a lot of fresh new ones here before my Facebook buddies ever get to read them... and with greater length and detail then I'll ever bother with in my Facebook material.

That is how special all my faithful readers are to me. ^_~

Atari 2600: B+
Atari 5200: D
Nintendo Entertainment System: A++
Sega Master System: C
NEC TurboGrafx-16: B
Nintendo Game Boy: A
Sega Game Gear: C+
Sega Genesis: B
Super Nintendo: A++
NEC TurboDuo: B-
Panasonic 3DO: F
Atari Jaguar: F-
Nintendo Virtual Boy: F--
Philips CD-i: F---
Sega Saturn: D+
Nintendo 64: C+
Nintendo Game Boy Advance: A
Sony Playstation: A
Sony Playstation 2: A
Sega Dreamcast: B-
Nintendo Gamecube: A
Microsoft XBox: D+
Microsoft XBox360: C-
Sony Playstation3: C+
Sony Playstation Portable: C
Nintendo DS: B
Wii: A+

Film Review: 'Dial M for Murder'

A fantastic update of the original stageplay, done in an elevated manner which only a man like Hitchcock could have provided, Dial M for Murder is amongst the director's most underappreciated films.

Getting some trivia out of the way first, it was one the original batch of motion pictures to be filmed using the 3D process, an exceedingly popular gimmick in its day, meant to deliver a unique new experience to a public which seemed to be growing more enamored with television and less so with the picturehouse. Sadly, the 3D version of Dial M for Murder is not an available option on the current DVD release and it would certainly be a particular treat to watch many of the scenes and angles from a three-dimensional perspective, the way Hitchcock originally intended. On the bright side, the movie in no way suffers from the lack of a 3D release as the shots, angles (particularly the way objects are framed), and shadowing (courtesy of Robert Burks, a cinematographer with whom Alfred had a long and exceptional partnership) sneak in that extra sense of dimension, as though you're actually moving amongst the unfolding drama.

The story centralizes around a man named Tony Wendice (portrayed almost like an evil twin brother of James Stewart by actor Ray Milland), a husband who has come to the realization that his wife, Margot (the beautiful Grace Kelly), is cheating on him with another man, Mark (Robert Cummings). Tony decides to seek vengeance on his lovely partner by enlisting (perhaps coercing is a more appropriate verb) the aid of an old college friend, forcably blackmailing him into killing Margot. The plan Tony lays out is rather routine and seemingly bulletproof; but this is a Hitchcock film, and not one part of Tony's strategy goes precisely as planned. Thus, the chase ensues, a part of which is taken up by Mark's own talent for writing crime novels, another part taken up by the inimitable and endlessly charming character actor John Williams. It's a story that never feels perfectly at home in the real world and the fact that it takes place mostly in one room gives the unraveling story all the focused perspective it needs, along with a healthy dose of prognosticated claustrophobia and unease.

Dimitri Tiomkin scored four Hitchcock films; none of the four particularly stand out overall, yet they all serve their purposes in their respective films quite well, including some remarkably well-written setpiece moments in each of the four. His music errs a bit too loudly on the romantic side (something Hitchcock himself would find a remedy for in the turbulent music of Bernard Herrmann just one year after Dial M), never distracting from the drama, but rarely delving past the surface of the filmic material. The best of the four is certainly this one, which makes use of some very dark, violent passages in the strangulation scene in tandem with some devilishly lighter moments that feel near-perverse against the proceedings; delightfully so, in fact.

What we end up with is... well... a Hitchcock thriller. And there's very little to complain about there. The acting is superly engaging, the beautiful photography is close-knit to the action, Tiomkin's score fittingly dramatic, and Hitch's direction a very tightly composed affair. It's not amongst Hitchcock's top-tier endeavors, but even a second or third-tier film from the Master of Suspense is far better than most first-tier movies from contemporary directors. Dial M for Murder performs precisely up to its own expectations and proves that Alfred Hitchcock could take even the most seemingly basic of murder stories and transform them into a three-ring circus of engrossing atmosphere, handsome villainy, and dark, holistic comedy.

B+